before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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