South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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