happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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