if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
