grandma shit on top of the toilet
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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