hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I have feelings that need drinking.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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