well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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