So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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