connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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