dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
