I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
