filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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