PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
