I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
