sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
