i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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