Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
