Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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