he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Maybe he injected his testicle?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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