..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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