yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
