They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
