I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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