look no pants
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
