two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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