It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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