Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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