I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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