My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
