I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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