Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
