FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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