i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
