you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
