dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
