It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
