im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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