When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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