it was like his penis was on wheels.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
