I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize