this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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