Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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