Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
