i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
