Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
