I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize