just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
