we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
