Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
