I need to stop coming to work sober
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
