mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize