My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
