did you get engaged???
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
