im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
