I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize