im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She told me I should be a condom model.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize