just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
