I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
