the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
