I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
my liver is dry heaving
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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