Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
try to milk me bitch
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