This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
