I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
