WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
