To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
